You Were Diverted, Too.

No matter what I do, it never pans out the way I want. So I just decided to want what I already have. Give thanks!

Into the Woods.

I had the kind of weekend that was so gloriously pure that you’re able to put up with about 2 weeks of bullshit without losing your mind. I even saw real-life Bambi deer!

It Can All Be So Simple.

I saw Rachel Getting Married with Jackie last night. I loved it. The wedding was so beautiful — one of the best weddings in a movie! — and gave me this great, zen-y feeling of love, peace and understanding. Sometimes we dwell too much on insecurity, anger and fear. We get caught up in material bullshit and become envious of others over petty things like looks, money and status. Really, all that matters is that you’re healthy, doing something you enjoy, and being with the people that you love.

That’s really all that matters.

Oh No I Didn’t.

I promise I’ll get back to writing about pop culture and movie stars and all that other fizzy stuff soon. But I haven’t lately because… I haven’t seen a proper movie in about a month and I am ashamed!

Which is Why It’s Always a Mindfuck Going to Real American Towns, like Omaha.

“New Yorkers don’t know shit about America. They go five miles outta Manhattan, and they don’t know what’s going on.”

- Richard Price, in conversation with Junot Diaz about the changing city and the Lower East Side, as quoted in New York magazine

Ain’t That the Truth.

“But his personality was always a brilliant contrivance, practically a work of art: improvised, self-revising, full of feints.”

Come Out to Play-ayyy.

I always go into these modes where I do little but work, sleep, and shower. And yes, “eating” was consciously omitted from this cycle. I think the last real meal I ate was Tuesday’s lunch of a chicken and bacon sandwich from The Best Lunch Place Ever, Pret a Manger. When I’m too busy, I forget to eat. My jeans that used to fit me like a glove in July? I had to get them taken in last night, as they have come to resemble parachute pants. Jen jokingly refers to my mealtime(s) as “Natalie’s Daily Feeding.” Depressing?

My life isn’t boring by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s actually a lot more structured and “unfun” than people realize. My nose is permanently pressed to the grindstone. I work two jobs now, back to back, so that averages to 15-hour days. I have a million bills to pay, including the worst of the worst, medical bills.  I’m going through family strife, which is never fun. So I’ll be damned if I waste a second to do anything — to make money, so I can actually afford my fun, or to see my friends, so I can actually remember why this is all worth it.

There used to be a time where I couldn’t come home from work right away – I had to schedule some sort of social affair, just to have something to get me through piles of mundane shit. Now because of Job Number 2, that isn’t always possible unless said friends are late owls, so everything gets moved to the weekend. I’ve had two friends stay with me already, and have people staying with me from here until late October, so that gives me a chance to redirect my energy to making sure they have a wonderful time exploring New York. I really cherish those moments, even if comprised of something so cheesy as paying $50 for a horse-buggy ride through Central Park, as they are a constant reminder of why I moved to this glorious metropolis in the first place. I love it with all its stupid flaws.

Last week was the worst and best week ever. There were maybe 5 horrible days and 2 beautiful ones. This week is much better. The proverbial shit has hit the fan and now I’m focused. I think I’m going to start volunteering on the weekends. Focusing on someone else’s needs would be a nice exercise for me, because despite having a few hard months, I don’t think my problems are all too grave. I mean, I can’t really complain when a Bad Week gives me two great days! Two! Most people are lucky even to get a decent hour.

Oh yeah, I saw Vincent Gallo last week. In a strange way, it was absolutely depressing to see him, but necessary and maybe even somewhat comforting. I liked two of his songs, but couldn’t stay after the third (or fourth? or fifth? they didn’t really have a beginning or end…). I felt like my throat was closing up.

Man, what a weird time! Thank heavens I have the oh so comforting songs of Hall and Oates to get me through each day. You have no idea how much relief “Maneater” brings me after a day filled with foreign accents, statistics, and loopy weirdos.

I’ve Always Noticed This!

From Tony Kushner’s questionnaire in New York magazine:

Favorite New York noise: “When the subway brakes are engaged, they sing the first three notes of ‘There’s a Place For Us’ from West Side Story.”

The song is actually called “Somewhere,” but I’ll let it slide. I think I’ve found my New York soulmate! And he even went to Columbia!

Throwing Up In Public.

This morning, after I left Jen to ride the lonely 2 express train all the way to City Hall by herself, a woman who was standing in front of me during the ride and trailed me all the way to the shuttle grabbed my arm and whispered, “Excuse me, miss, but I overheard your conversation. Pursue your dreams. Don’t ever give them up.”

This is bizarre for several reasons:

1) If I remember correctly, my conversation with Jen revolved mostly around the actor Mickey Rourke, who was a pin-up in the ’80s and is now putting his beautiful, botched face to good use in The Wrestler. He is primed for a career renaissance after years of personal and professional failures. The reason he’s still around? He “never gave up” on his biggest dream, acting. And that’s a direct quote!

2) I’ve been feeling kind of down in the dumps lately. Vacuous, lifeless. It’s very frustrating to me because, and this is the ridiculous part, I’m living life so well. I have a beautiful family and wonderful friends, whom I spend time with almost every day in some way, shape or form. I have a glamorous job. I live in a great apartment. I have my health and (ha) my sanity. So what’s wrong? Well, I just feel like I have nothing else to give. I give everything away, because I don’t know how to keep anything for myself. And I don’t want to. But I also don’t want to feel so easily accessible, because it leads to exploitation. And I never learn my lesson. I keep putting myself out there, fully naive, and keep feeling disappointed. And I don’t know how to stop! It really is a problem. I just feel like I stopped being selfish. And yes, there are times when selfishness is needed. It’s needed for ambition and for drive. It’s needed to get things done. And I just feel like all my dreams are kind of on the backburner right now. Perhaps out of laziness, but also because I’m just too consumed with people right now. It’s not really anyone’s fault but mine.

For the first time in my life, I don’t know how to get out of a mess I’ve created.

I’m losing myself.

This Never Gets Old.

“I knew these people, these two people; they were in love with each other. The girl was very young about seventeen or eighteen, I guess, and the guy was quite a bit older. He was kinda raggedy and wild, and she was very beautiful. Y’know?

And together they turned everything into a kind of an adventure, and she liked that. Just an ordinary trip down to the grocery store was full of adventure. They were always laughing at stupid things. He liked to make her laugh. and they didn’t much care for anything else, uh, cause all they wanted to do was be with each other. They were always together. and he uh he loved more than he ever thought possible. He couldnt stand being away from her, um, during the day when he went to work. So he quit, just to be home with her. And then he’d get another job when the money ran out… and then he’d quit again.”

- Travis (Harry Dean Stanton) to Jane (Nastassja Kinski) in Paris, Texas